In some species, every mother is John Hurt in 1979.
#5. Surinam Toads Give Birth to Hundreds of Chestbursting Aliens at the Same Time
[That’s the back of] a Surinam toad, a species of aquatic toad from South America that, quite frankly, looks fucking dead. Seriously, it looks it got flattened by an 18-wheeler at a rest stop, and somebody just scraped it off the pavement and threw it in a river. But it turns out there’s a good reason it looks this way, and it has everything to do with makin’ babies in the grossest way possible. During the Surinam toad’s 12-hour sex session, the female will squirt a hot batch of eggs onto the male’s stomach. After he fertilizes those eggs like only a man can, they’re transferred over to the lucky lady, who gets to carry them around on her back for four months like the steroid-born acne of a professional weightlifter.
"Please focus on the children, and not my tragic case of L. Ron Hubbard Face."
#5. The Canadian Quintuplets Who Lived in a Zoo
In 1934, Elzire Dionne of Ontario, Canada, gave birth to healthy identical quintuplet girls, the first such birth in recorded history. The joy of the occasion was sadly undermined when Dionne realized that even if her husband miraculously grew a pair of functional breasts then and there, the low-income couple would still be unable to provide for their family, which already included five other children. … The Canadian government decided to take the girls away from their parents and appointed a new guardian to raise them properly.
That job went to Allan Dafoe (the doctor that delivered the quintuplets), who immediately displayed his triple-A parenting skills by putting the sisters in a public building and charging strangers to watch them play.
William’s face. Give me your baby, Prince William. You look tired.
Don’t let New Parent Face happen to you (as often).
If you’re surrounded by enough of this Pepto-Bismol hue…
…don’t even try to play your best college football (because you won’t).
THIS WEEK: Daniel O’Brien and Robert Brockway join Jack O’Brien to explore how pink is a performance-depressing drug, how red makes your customers better tippers, how blue helps prevent suicide, and more.
All I’m saying is that, in the recording of this podcast, we made fun of babies for like a good twenty minutes. That is valuable and meaningful entertainment.
Not only do nearly all mothers cradle their baby with their left arm (just because), but if they’re cradling with their right, they’re probably depressed. #CrackedClassic
Christina H had a 12-pound baby AND STILL WROTE THIS COLUMN.
I first took off (column writing, not animating) in the middle of the pregnancy because I was already getting overwhelmed, and I felt like a wuss doing so, because lots of other women work vigorous blue-collar-type jobs all the way through their pregnancies and I must be some kind of sissy taking it easy so early. But like our old used Ford Fairmont station wagon, I was constantly overheating, falling apart, and cornering like a cow. I just didn’t understand why I was holding up so much worse than all the other ladies I knew.
Christina H. consistently has AMAZING articles. :D
It wasn’t the Druids. It was Drew.