"We should put plastic bags around babies’ heads." — an actual good idea
4 Medical Technologies Straight Out of Horror Movies
The world of science fiction promised us everything from cancer-detecting capsules to flesh-healing lasers. But as our resources finally met our imagination, the one thing we never counted on was the enduring fact that the human body is, like, really gross.
You know that scene in A Clockwork Orange where they hold his eyes open? We’ve all been there.
6 Horrifying Things That Happen Before You Leave the Womb
#5. Your Eyes Develop Before Your Eyelids
Your eyes start developing around Week 8, and they’re almost completely developed by Week 12. However, your eyelids don’t even begin to form until the fifth month. What you have instead until then is a thin, transparent membrane covering your peepers, almost as if Mother Nature wanted to make you watch as your own flesh twists and transforms in a body-horror display straight out of a John Carpenter film.
"Today’s top story: Looney Tunes is real."
5 People Who Survived Certain Death (Using Cartoon Physics)
#5. A Baby Survived a Six-Story Fall — Right into a Doctor’s Arms
It happened to a particularly rubberlike youngster in Paris who flopped right into the arms of Dr. Philippe Bensignor as he strode past the closed cafe at precisely the right time. And just to put the icing on the ol’ bullshit cake, the awning that broke his fall was only open that day because its closing apparatus had broken.
"The kid’s fine, we left a thermometer on him and everything."
6 Foreign Parenting Practices Americans Would Call Neglect
#5. Nordic Kids Nap in Subzero Weather … Outside
Talk to any Nordic mom and she’ll tell you that exposing babies to the elements makes kids stronger, more resilient, and able to handle the elements later, which may not be true from a science perspective but is sure as hell metal.
DO NOT NAME YOUR CHILD AFTER THIS
5 Real Baby Names That Won’t Make Any Sense in a Few Years
Today’s babies are born into a world of economic uncertainty, political gridlock, and ’90s-kid parents who think “Britney” is the correct spelling. Also, most disturbingly, parents love naming their babies after the shit they see on TV and forgetting that humans tend to stick around a lot longer than the average ratings sensation. That’s why in about 20 years you’ll see a lot of embarrassed adults with baffling names like…
Oh, Black and White Photo People. Is there no experiment you won’t try?
5 Amazing Things You Didn’t Know Babies Could Do
#4. Newborn Babies Have a Monkey-Strength Grip
The reflex is called the palmar grasp, and it happens when you stroke an infant’s palm or put anything in his hand (which makes the idea of the baby reaching for his mother’s nipple before latching on even more painful — he’s going to squeeze the shit out of it first).
The instinct doesn’t just appear out of nowhere at birth, either. It’s seen even in the womb. In fact, anti-abortion activists have used images of babies grasping the hands of their surgeon during in utero operations as propaganda for their cause. What those activists probably didn’t appreciate is that the reflex to wrap your hands around whatever you can get your chubby fingers on is found in baby monkeys as well. Monkeys don’t have the advantage of getting carted around in BabyBjorns, after all, and the ability to cling to your monkey mom while she’s swinging through the vines could be the difference between surviving infancy and getting eaten by a rhino.
Good thing we’re genetically programmed to breed. Otherwise, the first time a hair-covered baby spewed puke out its nose, the human race would come to a screeching halt.
Terrifying Things Nobody Tells You About Newborns
#6. Newborns Are Covered in Body Hair
[A]long with those downy newborn locks, don’t be surprised if your baby is born with hair all over her upper back, shoulders, and face, especially if she’s born early.
Don’t worry. You haven’t really given birth to Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy. That hair is called lanugo, and it’s normal. Lanugo is the first hair the body makes, and in utero it covers the developing child like fuzz on a peach, if that peach had spent the last five months kicking its mother when she was trying to sleep and jumping up and down on her bladder. Experts think the hair is meant to regulate the baby’s temperature in the womb, like a shoddy fur coat. Fun fact: If the baby is born lanugo-free, that means she shed the hair in the uterus … then ate it.
Ladies, after taking a gander at “Apparatus for Facilitating the Birth of a Child by Centrifugal Force,” you may need to go get drunk through your eyeballs.
The 12 Most Terrifying Things Ever Invented for Babies
Raising children is difficult, especially if you’re not a fan of constantly getting pooped on. Taking advantage of that difficulty, some inventors patented whatever shit-brained device popped into their heads, hoping that desperate parents would buy it en masse and make them rich. Keep in mind that these inventors were so convinced of their genius that they spent thousands of dollars to patent each invention. If there was one takeaway from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, it was that inventors make terrible, terrible parents.
Let us examine the evidence.