My last boyfriend had a nice car, a great job, and all of his facial skin. And that’s why I was surprised to find myself considering Skeletor as a romantic option. But he has SO MANY good qualities. He’s witty, and always has a zinger ready. He’s constantly laughing, and that laugh is infectious! Skeletor knows the joy of life.
Plus, he’s so honest. With Skeletor, what you see is what you get. It’s all in the name. He’s a skeleton man. If he had a profile on a dating website you wouldn’t even need to click the picture. What superhero is this honest? They’re all about secret identities and sneaking around. Skeletor will take you for a big, romantic getaway to Snake Mountain, where you can relax by the glowing light of lava flowing from the snake’s mouth, crank some Barry White, get loose, and just see what happens.
The downside is Skeletor is obviously terrible with money. Does he even have a job? What is his income exactly? Is someone paying him to fight He-Man, or is he living on Daddy’s money? He lives in Snake Mountain, not Skull Mountain, which makes me pretty sure he’s renting that mountain. The rent on a mountain must be pretty high. Why doesn’t he just buy a more modest abode instead of renting an entire mountain?
Superheroes Are Overrated: 6 Villains I’d Rather Date
Donald Trump is bringing out the big guns to defend himself in the Russian situation which he assures us doesn’t even exist. Trump’s knight in shining armor is septuagenarian defense attorney John Dowd, who’s like your grandpa if your grandpa was a pissed-off homunculus forged from every Alpha Beta in the 1987 classic Revenge Of The Nerds.
Coming out of the gate running, or at least hobbling in a very determined manner, Dowd is described as an ex-marine who may or may not have served our country at Verdun. The first quote in this Reuters article is “I fight hard,” because that’s what old men in suits in courtrooms do. He goes on to say “this is war, and I will defeat you,” like the villain of late-‘90s RPG that didn’t get translated into English so well. Suffice it to say, he seeks to crush his enemies and to hear the lamentations of their women, the latter of which he will do pro bono.
Dowd is 6'4" tall, a fact we know because the article says so while never explaining why you need to know that about a lawyer. They use words like “no-holds barred” and “attack” when describing how he works. Again, as a lawyer. Have you ever been to court? Even Law & Order could, at its coolest, only give us Sam Waterston. That’s the best fiction can offer. Real-life court is as action-packed as falling asleep on the toilet. Or it was, until Dowd got on the scene with his brutal mix of jurisprudence and courtroom capoeira. Oh, did you have an objection? Well get ready to sustain a broken spine, you crap-shack of a human. You just went Dowd for the count!
Why Trump’s Tough-As-Nails Man Lawyer Is Undefeatable
The human experience is a nuanced and multifaceted thing. At times, we can be compassionate, contrary, spiteful, loving, introspective, thoughtful, confounding, and inspiring. But fuck all that when we’re on TV. If we want to delve into someone, let’s ignore their soul and instead learn how their dog has AIDSabetes and needs poop transfusions that can only be secured via winning Chopped. Cue the tears. Yes, salt is necessary for any good dish. Mmm, your anguish is delicious and ratings-invoking. Tell us about the time you skinned your knee in kindergarten, then make a ceviche!
If you don’t watch cooking shows, you may be entirely unaware that they’re 50 percent cooking and 50 percent human tragedy. Everyone has a story on cooking shows. Everyone’s mom had a leg eaten by a Yeti, or their house was stolen by squatters, or they woke up one day with their face on backwards. You’d think that becoming a cook could only be born from some manner of low-level calamity. Taquitos were invented by a man who was actively in the process of being set on fire by his own estranged father. Oatmeal was actually invented by a Scotsman while he was inside a bear. Food is life is pain.
Taking criticism with a nod and a degree of self-reflection is for shit that happens in Margaret Atwood novels. We demand emotional breakdowns and half-assed tantrums! If I have to endure watching someone cook eggplant, it better end with them tearing the hair from their scalp and running full bore into traffic while screaming or else what’s the point? This same approach is reflected ten fold on America’s Got Talent where it seems like your best chance for impressing Howie Mandel is to show up with one hand holding in your exposed entrails after being gored by a bull.
5 Silly Rules Of Reality Shows We Swear A Child Created
I just want to take a moment to give a big, warm, heartfelt thank you to secret hero Donald Trump. Shout-out to you, Donald! Nate Silver’s website, FiveThirtyEight, has reported evidence that you have actually managed to stunt right-wing movements around the world just by being so shitty. The truth is startlingly clear now: You are intentionally being the world’s worst leader, selflessly sacrificing your own legacy – and indeed, your own dignity – in order to stop the progress of the far-right and make the world a better place. And boy are you doing a great job. You are a tragic, misunderstood hero, and while history may paint you as a villain (all according to your ingenious seven-dimensional chess plan), we would like to take a moment to offer an ode to your accomplishments.
Nate Silver explains that there’s a solid pattern evident: The warmer a foreign leadership candidate’s relationship with Trump, the worse he or she has tended to do in elections. This remarkably consistent trend has seen right-wing parties face embarrassing results in Austria, the Netherlands, France, and the UK. Trump, your act of being an incompetent asshole has truly set the nationalist cause back by decades, a result of your labyrinthian political strategy too complex for most small minds to comprehend. A brilliant political martyr whose sacrifice may be forgotten by history books, but not by us.
Let’s take a look at some of the terrible and idiotic things our revered martyr Trump has done for the good of the world.
The Secret Good President Trump Is Doing For America
First of all, look at this thing. Has someone been naughty? Does someone need to be punished? Nah, nothing that interesting. The guy’s just using a muzzle that allows him to have stealthy phone conversations. The $200 work-in-progress product is called HushMe, and it’s supposed to help you mask your phone conversations by … well, literally covering the part of you that makes conversation, locking you inside a vaguely S&M-ish muffler facemask equipped with a microphone. According to the rules of the screaming chaos dimension the inventors of this thing clearly hail from, this is preferable to, say, picking up your phone (I hear they’re portable these days) and taking a couple steps in the least eavesdropper-y direction.
A key component of HushMe’s operation is the “masking noise” the gadget feeds to its surroundings, thus covering the dulcet tones of your muffled, sweaty conversation. Some of the fine, fine sound options the gadget offers to blast towards your fellow man as you discuss whatever people who still make phone calls talk about these days include birds, monkey, squirrel, Darth Vader, R2-D2, and Minion.
Don’t take my cynical approach to mean that I believe that the product doesn’t work. On the contrary – I believe that the technical concept is solid, and that it certainly drowns out your important conversations from unwanted eavesdroppers. It’s just that the HushMe attempts to solve a problem that not a single person on the planet has ever had since cell phones were invented and people became free to have their phone calls wherever the hell they like.
