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You would have known exactly what those crafty dinosaurs were up...

Tue, 21 May 2013 15:00:19 -0400

You would have known exactly what those crafty dinosaurs were up to if you weren’t so busy picking red DOTS out of the box.

WARNING: Spoilers ahoy!

5 Brilliant Clues Hidden in the Background of Movies

#5. Jurassic Park: A Seat Belt Malfunction Reveals That the Dinosaurs Can Reproduce

[P]aleontologist Dr. Sam Neill discovers that the dinosaurs are breeding despite the fact that they were genetically engineered to all be female (specifically to prevent this). It is a development that, indeed, no one saw coming, for how in the name of science could a bunch of prehistoric lizards equipped with nothing but girl parts be expected to make babies?

However, if you were paying close attention, it’s a twist the movie gives away in the first 20 minutes.

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Fuck yeah, explosions! 4 Real Science Experiments Clearly...

Tue, 21 May 2013 13:00:16 -0400

Fuck yeah, explosions!

4 Real Science Experiments Clearly Designed by Michael Bay

#2. Camera Effects: The Rise and Fall of a Space Shuttle Booster

This is a NASA highlight reel of every stupid fake camera effect Hollywood uses, and every single one is real.

Watch the video. There is nothing better you could do with nine minutes. Not even sex, because either you won’t be finished in nine minutes, or your sex is insufficiently out-of-this-world to compete with this glory. The only reason it won’t win Oscars is because we have to let people who only pretend to be awesome have their little prizes.

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Irritated with Flickr’s redesign? Well, they can do whatever...

Tue, 21 May 2013 10:11:42 -0400

Irritated with Flickr’s redesign? Well, they can do whatever they want. With all your photos. #CrackedClassic

6 Terrifying User Agreements You’ve Probably Accepted

3 Amazing Details of the Most Embarrassing Spy Scandal...

Mon, 20 May 2013 23:46:31 -0400

3 Amazing Details of the Most Embarrassing Spy Scandal Ever

Here’s why the recent arrest of an alleged American spy in Russia had less in common with Skyfall and more with a straight-to-DVD sequel to Austin Powers starring an unknown and irritable Cockney truck driver (which would obviously be titled Austin Powers in Oi! That’s Me Lorry!).
…
Just look at him. That isn’t the face of a man who has just been arrested for spying. That’s the grimace of a man who realized that he left his coupon for 90 rubles off at Yakov’s Little Dutch Boy Wigs and Pervert Glasses Warehouse in the pocket of his other pair of spy pants.

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Eh, we’re not seeing it. 19 Surreal Images (and Their...

Mon, 20 May 2013 22:00:10 -0400

Eh, we’re not seeing it.

19 Surreal Images (and Their Mind-Blowing Explanations)

With all those songs, not one person had to take a break to spit...

Mon, 20 May 2013 19:14:03 -0400

With all those songs, not one person had to take a break to spit up flecks of plague?

If Disney Cartoons Were Historically Accurate

We’ve become a bunch of sad sacks, waiting for a loaded,...

Mon, 20 May 2013 15:00:03 -0400

We’ve become a bunch of sad sacks, waiting for a loaded, vigilante superdaddy to make it all better. David Wong explains.

The 5 Ugly Lessons Hiding in Every Superhero Movie

#4. Only Raw Talent and Wealth Make Someone Fit to Be in Charge

Tell me if you can spot what is similar about each of these hero-vs.-villain match-ups:

Superman vs. Lex Luthor
Batman vs. The Joker
Batman vs. Bane
Tony Stark vs. Obadiah Stane
Tony Stark vs. Whiplash

In each of those instances, the match-up is between a person who inherited his wealth and/or abilities and a self-made man who came up from nothing. And each time, we’re rooting for the former.

“What?” you say, “You want us to root for the Joker, you sick bastard?”

No. I’m saying the movie made it so that that was your only other choice.

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Giant wings aren’t impractical if you’re fighting an enemy...

Mon, 20 May 2013 13:16:38 -0400

Giant wings aren’t impractical if you’re fighting an enemy that’s really creeped out by birds.

The 5 Most Ridiculous Outfits Ever Worn Into Battle

#5. The Angel-Winged Hussars

Look at that magnificent bastard: You’d call bullshit on that armor set in Skyrim. No way that’s practical for battle. That does nothing but look awesome on the cover of a Dungeons and Dragons compendium. But that’s not just a painting: That is the very real armor of the Polish winged hussars, who held the title for the most brutal cavalry force in the world for most of the 16th and 17th century. They wreaked absolute havoc on battlefields throughout Europe, all while sporting huge angel wings on their backs.

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Yahoo’s purchase of Tumblr means old people will soon swarm this...

Mon, 20 May 2013 10:00:28 -0400

Yahoo’s purchase of Tumblr means old people will soon swarm this place. But it’ll help you prepare for a world dominated by the elderly. #CrackedClassic

8 Mind-Blowing Realities of Our Future Full of Old People

This right here.

Mon, 20 May 2013 08:33:57 -0400

This right here.

A new My Little Pony movie is coming out in theaters! This will...

Sun, 19 May 2013 23:30:25 -0400

A new My Little Pony movie is coming out in theaters! This will not end well.

Why ‘My Little Pony’ Is About to Get Even Creepier

Hasbro recently announced a My Little Pony spinoff movie, titled My Little Pony: Equestria Girls, which will hit theaters next month. In Equestria Girls, all of the ponies are transported to another universe where they transform into teenage girls to face the trials of high school life, because without question that’s what every fan of a magical universe of talking ponies wanted this movie to be.
…
Picture the three key groups of MLP fans: little girls, “bronies” (i.e., adult male aficionados of the show), and furries. Now, picture all of those people intermixing in the same dark movie theater. It’s tantamount to tossing kids into a haunted house full of loud, self-important 20-somethings and terrifying sexual fetishists.

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Publication was immediately followed by ouster of the school...

Sun, 19 May 2013 22:09:58 -0400

Publication was immediately followed by ouster of the school paper editor for running the name and photo of the victim…

If Hollywood Was Honest About Sex

It’s raining virus-liquefied-caterpillars! Halleluiah! 5...

Sun, 19 May 2013 19:08:24 -0400

It’s raining virus-liquefied-caterpillars! Halleluiah!

5 Disturbing Ways Insects Can ‘Hack’ Nature

#3. Baculovirus Hijacks Caterpillars, Turns Them into Parasitic Rainfall

The baculovirus sounds like a chrono-STD you get from boning the guy from Quantum Leap. But in reality, it’s closer to the plot of the Alien movies: The baculovirus infects gypsy moth caterpillars (who are kind of pests anyway, so do try to keep that in mind when we tell you what happens to the poor lil’ guys), then makes them climb to the top of the canopy and hang upside down. Which … hey, is pretty much all right with the caterpillars? If an alien virus hacked your brain and forced you to sit on your couch and watch every episode of Three’s Company back to back, you probably wouldn’t mind it so much. You were going to do that anyway. The caterpillar is doing pretty good so far. Ah, but the baculovirus isn’t done yet: After it maneuvers its host into a good position high up, suspended upside down … they make it rain.

Intestines.

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Revenge is a dish best served with doves. Doves tethered to...

Sun, 19 May 2013 15:20:01 -0400

Revenge is a dish best served with doves. Doves tethered to fiery hot coals, sent to burn your whole damn city to the ground.

5 People Who Took Revenge to a Whole New Level

#5. Princess Olga of Kiev

As a ruler, the Drevlians considered Olga a pushover — an unwed woman, ha! — and because marriage would unite the two areas under their rule, the Drevlians sent suitors to make something useful out of the princess: a wife. Still wrapped up in a soft, Downy blanket of rage, Olga managed to put on her party smile and welcomed the visitors. She told her noble suitors that her people would carry them in their boats to the castle, so they wouldn’t have to walk. And they did. But when they got to the castle’s courtyard, the carriers dumped the suitors, boat and all, into a giant trench. Olga, smiling, had them all buried alive.

Sending word that she had accepted the proposal, even more Drevlians came down to help prepare the wedding. They were sent to a bathhouse when they arrived, where the doors were immediately barred behind them, and the whole building was set on fire.
…
And yet, Olga still wasn’t done.

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Dear Restaurants: bring out the free cake but keep your birthday...

Sun, 19 May 2013 13:00:08 -0400

Dear Restaurants: bring out the free cake but keep your birthday song cake-holes shut.

5 Obnoxious Things Restaurants Need to Stop Doing

#2. Happy Birthday Songs

The only thing worse than the act of the wait staff singing to you is the actual song the wait staff will sing to you. Because Warner Bros. owns the song “Happy Birthday” and apparently wants to sue anyone who infringes their copyright, no one ever sings this mundane and mostly tolerable song anymore, not in public. Instead they bust out their own birthday song, some Frankenfuck of a musical prolapse that hits the ear like an acid-spitting penis, just unfortunate and unwanted on even the most basic levels. It’ll be fast-paced and full of clapping and mostly yelling as the wait staff, who now hate you for being born as much as you hate them for acknowledging it, race to finish and give you the shitty cupcake they keep in a vault full of broken dreams and shrugs in the back.

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Next old guy with dementia better think twice before stumbling...

Sun, 19 May 2013 10:12:04 -0400

Next old guy with dementia better think twice before stumbling around THIS abandoned carnival.

Why the Scooby-Doo Mystery Team Is Terrible At Mysteries

Subscribe to Cracked’s YouTube channel for exclusive YouTube Comedy Week hilarity.

http://www.youtube.com/cracked?sub_confirmation=1

Zoinks! Looks like the Mystery Squad committed another mystery...

Sat, 18 May 2013 23:24:13 -0400

Zoinks! Looks like the Mystery Squad committed another mystery felony.

Tomorrow, let’s all meet back at Cracked’s YouTube channel to find out what it is!

http://www.youtube.com/cracked

Looks like right after the U.N. bans all the guns they’re going...

Sat, 18 May 2013 21:58:03 -0400

Looks like right after the U.N. bans all the guns they’re going to make us eat bugs.

4 Reasons Insects Will Soon be a Staple of Your Diet

Unless you’re an unsupervised toddler or a contestant on Fear Factor, you’re probably going out of your way to not let bugs down your gullet. But that’s a specifically Western thing — everyone else on the planet has been fine with eating insects for a while now.

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C’mon, Vince McMahon. Let’s get Leno back in the ring where he...

Sat, 18 May 2013 19:00:17 -0400

C’mon, Vince McMahon. Let’s get Leno back in the ring where he belongs. He’ll be available next year!

The 5 Most Baffling Celebrity Cameos in Pro Wrestling

#5. Jay Leno Takes on Hulk Hogan (and Wins)

In 1998, wrestling was red hot and firmly in the mainstream. Everybody wanted in on the act, and World Championship Wrestling (WCW) just refused to say no. This is how they wound up having Jay Leno (yup, that one) fight Hulk Hogan. And not just fight him, but beat his ass. If it’s still not clear to you why this made wrestling fans groan and roll their eyes, just look at it.

We get that wrestling fans don’t demand gritty realism from their sport — they’re not stupid, they understand the concept of suspension of disbelief. But regardless of how ridiculous the storylines can get, at the very least they have to make it somewhat plausible that the guy who wins the match could actually have done it. You know, because both guys in the ring are professional wrestlers and it’s not, say, a muscle-bound superman versus a pudgy middle-aged desk jockey.

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The only thing more absurd than playing a game in which all the...

Sat, 18 May 2013 15:24:12 -0400

The only thing more absurd than playing a game in which all the townfolk get eaten alive by ants would be actually developing the game in which all the townfolk get eaten alive by ants.

5 Unintentionally Hilarious Live-Action Video Games

#4. It Came from the Desert: Ants Devour Regenerating People

It Came from the Desert was a reasonably well-received game that came out on the defunct Amiga system back in 1989 and was re-released in 1991 on the similarly not-around-anymore TurboGrafx-CD. On the surface, it seems like it should be corny fun — it’s a tribute to 1950s sci-fi flicks in which a meteor lands near a desert town and releases a swarm of mutated ants.

But then you realize that much of the action involves watching the townspeople get slowly eaten to death, one chunk of flesh at a time, as they lay helpless in the desert.

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