That is “Shell Shocked” by Juicy J, Wiz Khalifa, and Ty Dolla $ign. It jumps from describing the four Ninja Turtles and the unbeatable power of brotherhood to talk of teaming up with your friends to make shitloads of money for Lamborghinis and Rolexes (which suggests that the new film features a sequence wherein Master Splinter teaches his four young protegees how to ball like motherfuckers). And before you dismiss this video as being unimportant to your life, you need to understand something: Rap songs about Ninja Turtles used to fucking dominate the pop charts.
The worst part? This is partly Tumblr’s fault.
#2. Neo-Nazis Are Turning Into Hipsters to Appeal to the Youth
Nipsters, short for “Nazi hipsters” and/or “nationalist hipsters” (see: “challenging brochure,” above), are what the leaders of the neo-Nazi party of Germany realized they had to become once their membership numbers were at an all-time low. … [The neo-Nazis] began using Tumblr and Twitter, presumably to share vintage pictures of a nonchalantly candid Hitler drinking coffee at an open mic; they changed their wardrobe from “Walmart” to “H&M”; and they even started a cooking show for Nazi vegans, which is a statement that should be a joke, but absolutely isn’t. They also like to hang out like moody post-adolescents, sporting eco-friendly handbags decorated with trendy minimalist hate speech.
Bob Ross taught the world to paint. And the world painted him as the baddest motherfucker possible.
#2. Epic Bob Ross
I watched because Bob Ross was Xanax with an afro. He was so kind and soothing that he had to have been up to some nefarious shit. … That’s probably why Bob Ross fan art (because there is such a thing) goes in the opposite direction when portraying the guy who looks like he sells acid out of the back of his van. Why show him blandly standing beside an easel when you can toss some testosterone on that bitch and depict Bob Ross as a ripped Viking riding a dragon.
JOHNNY UTAH IS SECRETLY THE HIGHLANDER maybe
#4. “Keanu Reeves and Nic Cage Are Immortal”
Several Internet eons ago (in 2011), a man emerged from the depths of the abyss bringing secret, dangerous knowledge: The entity we know as “Nicolas Cage” is immortal, and quite possibly a vampire. A few years earlier, we had already found out that another popular person we have come to call “Keanu Reeves” is equally ageless, having lived throughout the ages under various guises that include the French silent-film actor Paul Mounet and the legendary 9th-century emperor Charlemagne.
Hey have you ever heard the guitar riff at the start of “Smells Like Teen Spirit”?
Because you probably caught it on the 28 songs that came before it.
THIS WEEK ON THE PODCAST: Cracked’s Randall Maynard and Josh Sargent join Adam Tod Brown to ask if there’s a bigger dick than that guy who sings that “Drops of Jupiter” song, if Imagine Dragons is a real band, and if Bruce Springsteen with just a guitar is better than any other musical experience in the world.
Unless you’re one of those total maniacs who goes to Comic-Con solely for comic book panels, expect to spend a good chunk of your hard-earned otaku pilgrimage queuing up. It’s an experience not unlike going to the Super Bowl, locking yourself in a porta-john for the first three quarters, emerging to watch a single field goal, and then returning to your bilious vigil until somebody goes to Disneyland.
Starting to think our best friend Nick has a new best friend?
Pictured: Nintendo’s sheer goddamn confidence.
#5. Game Boy Micro: The Console That Rats Want to Fuck
From the Game Boy Pocket to the 2DS, Nintendo has always been known for putting out endless variants of their portable consoles regardless of whether anyone actually asked for them. So, when the time came in 2005 to explain to fans why they needed to buy the new smaller version of the Game Boy Advance, they didn’t even bother. They could make an ad showing a rat relentlessly humping their product, and people would still buy it. Here’s that ad.
He went from shirtless, to backed by as many tuxedoed people as possible.
#3. Kip Winger Writes Symphonies
Kip Winger is all about music. He started studying classical music at age 16 after hearing different composers in ballet class. When the ’80s ended and grunge hate-fucked glam rock into the grave, the band members kind of went their own directions. In the late ’90s, Kip decided that he wanted to continue his old childhood passion of learning classical music and enrolled himself in the University of New Mexico, where he studied with some of the biggest names in composing.