cracked:

We can do a live After Hours at SXSW if you take one minute to vote for us. Please do that and help us be like

Damn, hellosodas. Thank you!

ATTENTION OTHER FANS: voting ends Sept. 8th, so if you wouldn’t mind putting 60 seconds toward this sometime before that we’d appreciate it.

You need to hear this. Just try not to get wibbly-wobbly angry-wangry.

It’s Time to Retire Doctor Who

In the 1970s, there were no dispensaries in California, much less legal recreational shops. There was, however, a man named Brian O’Dea.
7 Adventures I Had as the World’s Biggest Pot Smuggler

#7. Sometimes the Biggest Dangers Aren’t Cartels or Cops
Let me tell you about the time we made the stupid fucking decision to transport 16,000 pounds of weed via DC-6. The goal was to get our weed from Colombia, load it into this gigantic plane, and fly it back to the states, where it would turn — as if by magic — into $4 or $5 million. Back in the 1970s, that was basically all the money, anywhere, ever. I bought the plane with two dudes from Chicago, but none of us could fly the damn thing. So we found a young man who had 2,000 hours of professional experience with a two-engine plane. Ours was a four-engine, and he said, “Oh, it’s no different. I read the book.” Not knowing fuck-all about planes, I assumed that made sense. After all, how could four engines be less reliable than two? (The answer is, there are twice as many chances for something to go cock-eyed.)

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In the 1970s, there were no dispensaries in California, much less legal recreational shops. There was, however, a man named Brian O’Dea.

7 Adventures I Had as the World’s Biggest Pot Smuggler

#7. Sometimes the Biggest Dangers Aren’t Cartels or Cops

Let me tell you about the time we made the stupid fucking decision to transport 16,000 pounds of weed via DC-6. The goal was to get our weed from Colombia, load it into this gigantic plane, and fly it back to the states, where it would turn — as if by magic — into $4 or $5 million. Back in the 1970s, that was basically all the money, anywhere, ever. I bought the plane with two dudes from Chicago, but none of us could fly the damn thing. So we found a young man who had 2,000 hours of professional experience with a two-engine plane. Ours was a four-engine, and he said, “Oh, it’s no different. I read the book.” Not knowing fuck-all about planes, I assumed that made sense. After all, how could four engines be less reliable than two? (The answer is, there are twice as many chances for something to go cock-eyed.)

Read More

We know what you’re wondering, and yes, that’s part of a series.
5 Deranged Authors Who Wrote the Same Book Over and Over

#5. Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., Author of Four Books on Curing Gay
If gays wanted to be cured and there was a product that did it, the Bravo network would never need a second sponsor. Still, closeted Nicolosi, Ph.D., wrote four books on the subject, zero books on anything else, and claims to have cured 66 percent of his patients. According to my math, that means that for every four balls that go into his office, only one of them ends up in another man’s eager mouth.

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We know what you’re wondering, and yes, that’s part of a series.

5 Deranged Authors Who Wrote the Same Book Over and Over

#5. Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D., Author of Four Books on Curing Gay

If gays wanted to be cured and there was a product that did it, the Bravo network would never need a second sponsor. Still, closeted Nicolosi, Ph.D., wrote four books on the subject, zero books on anything else, and claims to have cured 66 percent of his patients. According to my math, that means that for every four balls that go into his office, only one of them ends up in another man’s eager mouth.

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tasania1492:

cracked:

Can one video sustain an impossible number of feels?

This Video Will Change the Way You Think About Upworthy

I have not yet watched this video. But the fact that Daniel Vincent Gordh seems to be a frequent flyer over at Cracked Video makes me really, really happy. 

We are rich in Darcy.

If anything, Twister undersold it.
17 Insane Transformations You Have to See to Believe

If anything, Twister undersold it.

17 Insane Transformations You Have to See to Believe

Luis Prada wants you to be even better at that than Stock Photo Lady.
4 Important Skills That Lazy People Learn in High School

#4. Sleeping in Class Without Getting Caught
You may see a student sleeping in class. I see an intricate set of independent actions working in concert to aid a student in her effort to sleep in class while giving the illusion of attention. The right arm has been raised a few inches by a stack of textbooks, thus lifting her right shoulder. As the left hand pushes her head to the right, the right shoulder is there to act as both a pillow for comfort and a kickstand to prevent her head from toppling onto the desk with an embarrassing thud. Her legs are apart, equally distributing her dead weight to keep her from falling. If her torso was leaned further forward, her legs would be crossed and tucked back beneath the seat to counterbalance the intensity of her slouch.

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Luis Prada wants you to be even better at that than Stock Photo Lady.

4 Important Skills That Lazy People Learn in High School

#4. Sleeping in Class Without Getting Caught

You may see a student sleeping in class. I see an intricate set of independent actions working in concert to aid a student in her effort to sleep in class while giving the illusion of attention. The right arm has been raised a few inches by a stack of textbooks, thus lifting her right shoulder. As the left hand pushes her head to the right, the right shoulder is there to act as both a pillow for comfort and a kickstand to prevent her head from toppling onto the desk with an embarrassing thud. Her legs are apart, equally distributing her dead weight to keep her from falling. If her torso was leaned further forward, her legs would be crossed and tucked back beneath the seat to counterbalance the intensity of her slouch.

Read More

At least LA’s lawns stayed green for no reason.
17 Insane Transformations You Have to See to Believe

At least LA’s lawns stayed green for no reason.

17 Insane Transformations You Have to See to Believe

Click play for hilarious flaming beefs (to help ease the pain)!

7 Horrors of Ferguson Policing (Made Less Awful With Farts)

#7. The Police Never Filed an Incident Report for the Shooting of Michael Brown

After many days of putting off the report’s release, the Ferguson police have since admitted to never even filing one. Incident reports are incredibly important (and required), and they should ideally be written within 24 hours of the incident (for hopefully obvious reasons). But they didn’t even write one. Isn’t that fucking coo-coo bananas, y’all? I guess they either just never got around to it or never got around to wanting to tell the truth about it. Either way, there’s that.

Or there that is not, I guess.

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“Hi, my name is Pauli. I’m a fucking idiot, and this is my guide to losing weight.”
5 Things Nobody Tells You About Trying to Lose Weight

#4. The Inevitable Backlash
Here’s a concept that will ruin your day. Experts call it the “fat trap,” and pretty much everyone with a spare tire or 16 is subject to it. David Wong has already covered the issue at some length, so I won’t go to specifics, but, basically, your body loves all the pounds it has and will actively work to gain back every single one you manage to lose, because fuck you, you’re not the boss of it. I learned of the fat trap about halfway through my blog project, and I immediately wandered away to depression-eat the world until I had consumed the very concept of hunger.

Read More

“Hi, my name is Pauli. I’m a fucking idiot, and this is my guide to losing weight.”

5 Things Nobody Tells You About Trying to Lose Weight

#4. The Inevitable Backlash

Here’s a concept that will ruin your day. Experts call it the “fat trap,” and pretty much everyone with a spare tire or 16 is subject to it. David Wong has already covered the issue at some length, so I won’t go to specifics, but, basically, your body loves all the pounds it has and will actively work to gain back every single one you manage to lose, because fuck you, you’re not the boss of it. I learned of the fat trap about halfway through my blog project, and I immediately wandered away to depression-eat the world until I had consumed the very concept of hunger.

Read More