Mix that green stuff with red herb and your “health” will be “restored.”
The reboot’s hot sauce Captain Kirk will likely cause intergalactic warfare. But it’s okay, because he’s pretty.
#5. Kirk Is Destined to Accidentally Start a Horrific War
[T]he Starship Enterprise is on a long-term diplomatic peacekeeping mission around the galaxy on behalf of the space United Nations. Its job is to contact new civilizations (as it says at the beginning of every episode) and spread the Federation’s message of peace and togetherness. Humanity’s entire relationship to these new races will be defined by this first impression. We’ve seen starship captains broker peace treaties and make decisions that affected the entire future of an alien civilization.
The rebooted Jim Kirk, meanwhile, is a drunken asshole who punched his way onto a Starfleet recruiting shuttle — at the time of his whirlwind promotion, he’d only been in the academy for three years. Giving him the job is like sending Jason Statham to negotiate peace talks in the Green Zone. Putting that cowboy at the helm of Earth’s humanitarian flagship is probably going to trigger more space wars than have ever been documented in the history of science fiction, even if the movie portrays the job as being mostly running down hallways and dangling off cliffs.
We expect the Internet to be transformed into a soup of civility after everyone reads this article.
[I]t’s the 21st century. We have access to the entirety of collective human knowledge in our back pockets at all times. We have taken pictures of the deepest corners of space. We have three different goddamn TV shows about bidding on abandoned storage units. We as a society should have moved beyond figuratively (and literally, probably, knowing you assholes) shitting in our hands and throwing it at each other whenever someone brings up the deficit.
So, let’s lay down some ground rules for this new interpersonal landscape. Keep these four things in mind and elevate your level of discourse, educate yourself and the people around you, and find simple harmony through honest, open conversation. Or, you know, keep calling each other Dildo Hitlers. It’s up to you.
The $1.9M sale price for that “Bea Arthur Naked” painting proves more than one person was getting hot while watching Golden Girls. #CrackedClassic
National Guard: Always Ready, Always There…to mop up Superman’s messes?
Behold, it’s Superman, demonstrating to audiences that he is in fact faster than a speeding bullet. He’s tearing across the Earth’s surface, grimacing for reasons that are unexplained…What is clear is that a caravan of National Guardsmen is following in Superman’s wake.
Again, the commercial aims to imply that — just like Superman — the National Guard rushes toward disasters with heroic abandon. Instead, it looks like the National Guard is chasing the superhero down for shattering every window in the tri-state area.
Doesn’t matter if a game explodes your TV, so long as the timing is perfect and epic.
That’s the best part of gaming, after all: those unscripted, unplanned moments that stick with you, even when the story is lost to a hazy blur. So I asked the question in this thread, and I’m asking you folks now: What’s your most memorable unscripted video game moment? Here are just a few of my favorite responses, as well as my own loosely related experiences in similar situations — because I’m an uncompromising narcissist, and of course I found a way for this to be all about me, me, me. Hey, speaking of me, I’ll go first with my own category:
Perfectly Timed Glitches
Doctors still won’t replace your hands with robotic lobster claws. Even if you ask real nice. But regrowing teeth is a nice start.
#4. Regrow Your Teeth
[T]here are not one, but two teams who’ve set their sights on taking down the denture industry by regrowing your very own teeth right inside your very own mouth-hole.
First, there’s a team from the University of Alberta in Canada (where hockey-related tooth loss strikes virtually every male before age 15) who say they’ve managed to regrow broken teeth by using ultrasound emitters. Seriously, they just point sound waves at your teeth and they grow back. The procedure worked so well on rabbits that the scientists figured, screw it, why not scale up the difficulty and try it out on an animal whose entire diet isn’t just cabbage and water? So they tested a variant of their ultrasound method on humans and found that it worked, even when the root itself was damaged.
Hope you liked your fancy CGI tiger, because it killed the FX house that brought us Babe the pig.
#5. Life of Pi Bankrupted the Special Effects Studio
Even though the movie grossed over $600 million and won four Academy Awards (including special effects), Rhythm & Hues went bankrupt shortly after its release. Remember during the Oscars ceremony when that one guy tried to say something but got cut off by the theme from Jaws, and everyone laughed? Yeah, he was trying to tell you that the same company that created those impressive visuals is now in the gutter.
How is this possible? Well, it’s mainly because visual effects is a flawed industry with a business model that is impossible to succeed in. In order to save money, movie studios tend to contract VFX companies on a “fixed fee,” meaning that after a certain amount of takes, the VFX guys are forced to cover the costs. So, when an unfilmable picture like Life of Pi requires extra work, the visual companies end up “paying for the movie.” In the end, Rhythm & Hues didn’t see a penny from those $600 million.