“And while we’re at it, a/s/l?”
For all we know, there’s also dead outside.
#5. The Walking Dead: Rick Survives His Coma Because He’s a Walker
In a world where dead people are reborn as mindless, flesh-eating zombies, the biggest reality stretch comes in The Walking Dead's first episode. Rick, the main not-zombie, wakes up in an abandoned hospital after a long coma. When we say “abandoned,” we don't mean “everyone went home for the night save for one drunk at the switchboard” — we mean it was fucking abandoned. Everyone's dead or undead, and it's been this way for at least two months. So how the fuck did Rick survive? He sat there for weeks, unmolested by zombies, like a BLT in a force field. Furthermore, his IV couldn't have lasted more than a few hours, meaning he somehow went months sans food or water. Not only should he be starved, delirious, and brain-dead, he should be dead, period.
Unless … he’s actually not a not-zombie.
We moved our nation’s hips like yeah that entire summer. Don’t act like you skipped it.
#2. Miley Cyrus: “Party in the USA”
Oh, you don’t like “Party in the USA” by Miley Cyrus? Neat, tell me what it’s like to be the coolest motherfucker on Earth. Also, quit lying to yourself: you fucking love this song. Everyone does. That’s precisely why 2009 was such a shitty year. We spent most of it worried about our conflicting feelings toward a goddamn Hannah Montana single and let all of our other responsibilities slide, and we fell into a global financial crisis as a result. Ask any economist, you’ll get the same explanation.
The latest Cracked Podcast is a live LA Podfest exploration of why babies are sociopaths. So Baby Einstein yourself with some headphones, because it’s got all kinds of science along with music that embiggens the brain:
- "Acrylics" by TNGHT (Hudson Mohawke x Lunice), half of whom you might know from Mohawke’s work on Yeezus
- "Ghost Rider" by Suicide, off their 1977 album that predicted a lot of what’s great and stripped down today
- "State Trooper" by Bruce Springsteen, off of Nebraska and with a lot of that Suicide song’s urgency
- "Under Pressure" by Logic, because we can’t have a Cracked Podcast episode without great new rap/hip-hop
Hear it all along with our past curated music picks on the Cracked Podcast’s Spotify playlist.
Auto-reblog for Bruce, especially for “State Trooper,” but also for HOLY SHIT SUICIDE. I love that fucking band and especially that album.
The podcast may be dark next week but can we make it up to you by replying to your asks with great music picks? (And having a stacked archive of evergreen past episodes available for free?)
NOTE: We don’t have a standard policy of putting trigger warnings on articles, but if there exists anywhere on Earth an article that needs such a warning, here it fucking is. In fact, if this doesn’t disturb you, there is a good chance you are a crazy person.
#5. Sex Slavery Is a Thriving American Industry
I was 4 or 5 years old when it started.
If you’re expecting my “sold into child slavery” story to begin with guys in ski masks bursting into my bedroom and snatching me up in the night, the actual story is worse, in a way. One night, my stepdad just pulled me out of bed and said, “Come here, uncle needs to see you.” There were zero uncles downstairs. But there were several creepy, creepy men who passed me around from lap to lap and paid him for the privilege. If you’re asking yourself where my mother was, well, she was right there, watching.
"human trafficking (forcing someone into labor or sex acts against their will) is a $9.5 billion industry in the USA — to pick a random comparison, that’s four times what the Burger King chain takes in”
You can take the costumes out of Japan, but you can’t take the Japan out of the costumes.
"Reporting live from the scene, by accident…"
Once Marty needed more than two people going at it, he invented an entire job.
#4. Orgy Choreographer
The man with this enviable title is Michael Arnold, a Broadway veteran and dance choreographer. One day, a producer offered him an interview for a gig choreographing an orgy scene. Instead of calling the cops and/or running the hell away, Arnold shrugged and went for it. This turned out to be a good move, because the movie was, yes, The Wolf of Wall Street. Not many people can claim their first major movie credit was helping Martin Scorsese sort out a carnival of flesh so that nobody pokes anyone’s eye out with an errant boner, but that’s what Arnold did (with three separate scenes, no less; the antics at the yacht, the office with the baton twirlers, and the flight to Vegas were all his handiwork). The word spread, and the next thing you know, Arnold had carved himself a name as a bona fide bonin’ choreographer.
"What was I thinking? I’m the weekend anchor!" — that dog, in a perfect world
Want to feel like Donald Trump, if he was doing his own menial scrubbing?
#3. A $1,175 Gold-Plated Toilet Brush
The people who buy this are essentially buying it for their housekeepers, which is the most extravagant gift a person can give a housekeeper besides the millions in child support they’ll fork over after they plow the housekeeper. Who is the vapid, soulless creature who needs to tuck a $1,175 fuzzy shit stick within the shadow of their toilet to feel good about themselves? When they’re feeling down and life isn’t giving them a break they can pay their way out of, do they think about how they are the owners of a golden shit wand and then smile?