Our Pinterest account has a whole board for choice wordnuggets of Cracked article goodness. Collect them all*!
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Our Pinterest account has a whole board for choice wordnuggets of Cracked article goodness. Collect them all*!

*there’s no reason to collect them just please go look

“Let’s hide from our dialogue in this elevator.”
4 Ways the 50 Shades of Grey Film Is Worse Than You Expect

#4. The Writing Is Terrible (Both the Script and the Source Novel)
You’d think most actors would be familiar with the amount of risque belly slapping in the book, but there’s no shortage of people reading the script and bursting into fits of shocked laughter. There’s a rumor that Charlie Hunnam, who was originally cast in the lead role, dropped out because he didn’t like the script, and he starred in last year’s Pacific Rim, which contained a character named Stacker Pentecost and a man with golden shoes. Actress Chloe Bridges, star of the Sex and the City spinoff The Carrie Diaries, read the three pages she was given for her audition and immediately said, “I really can’t do this.”

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“Let’s hide from our dialogue in this elevator.”

4 Ways the 50 Shades of Grey Film Is Worse Than You Expect

#4. The Writing Is Terrible (Both the Script and the Source Novel)

You’d think most actors would be familiar with the amount of risque belly slapping in the book, but there’s no shortage of people reading the script and bursting into fits of shocked laughter. There’s a rumor that Charlie Hunnam, who was originally cast in the lead role, dropped out because he didn’t like the script, and he starred in last year’s Pacific Rim, which contained a character named Stacker Pentecost and a man with golden shoes. Actress Chloe Bridges, star of the Sex and the City spinoff The Carrie Diaries, read the three pages she was given for her audition and immediately said, “I really can’t do this.”

Read More

Six years ago, Augusto Coaracy’s skull was crushed by a disem-bused wheel, breaking his neck in the process. And as startling as it is to have something like that happen without warning, the really strange stuff happens after … like a constant urge to show strangers your dick.
5 Things That Happen After a Car Accident Breaks Your Skull

#5. Disaster Strikes Out of Nowhere
When the bus wheel came down on his head, it shattered his C1 vertebra in three parts — that is, it smashed the neck bone that’s in charge of supporting the skull and shielding the spinal cord. “The X-ray of my neck that night — it’s the most shocking thing from my accident,” Augusto says, “It shows my vertebra in pieces.”
How shocking? Well, the first person on the scene happened to work for the Brazilian health department. He later told Augusto that the accident was so horrific, he literally decided to quit his job the next day. That’s right — the injury was so gruesome that it inflicted traumatic splash damage on bystanders.

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Six years ago, Augusto Coaracy’s skull was crushed by a disem-bused wheel, breaking his neck in the process. And as startling as it is to have something like that happen without warning, the really strange stuff happens after … like a constant urge to show strangers your dick.

5 Things That Happen After a Car Accident Breaks Your Skull

#5. Disaster Strikes Out of Nowhere

When the bus wheel came down on his head, it shattered his C1 vertebra in three parts — that is, it smashed the neck bone that’s in charge of supporting the skull and shielding the spinal cord. “The X-ray of my neck that night — it’s the most shocking thing from my accident,” Augusto says, “It shows my vertebra in pieces.”

How shocking? Well, the first person on the scene happened to work for the Brazilian health department. He later told Augusto that the accident was so horrific, he literally decided to quit his job the next day. That’s right — the injury was so gruesome that it inflicted traumatic splash damage on bystanders.

Read More

If you’re a video game character, get ready to die. Because you’re either a hero who’s respawning time and again (and who knows if you rematerialize as the real you?) or a villain under constant assault by superhuman immortal assholes. It’s an Edge of Tomorrow-style nightmare, but instead of hanging out with Emily Blunt’s Linda Hamilton impression, you’re stuck with your fellow grunts. And that struggle’s worth celebrating, which is why we’re printing this new design by Michael Tate as fast as our T-shirt war machine can. It’s Mario Bros. as combat, and wearing it will help you meet your own Light Brigade of fellow troopas. [GET IT HERE]

If you’re a video game character, get ready to die. Because you’re either a hero who’s respawning time and again (and who knows if you rematerialize as the real you?) or a villain under constant assault by superhuman immortal assholes. It’s an Edge of Tomorrow-style nightmare, but instead of hanging out with Emily Blunt’s Linda Hamilton impression, you’re stuck with your fellow grunts. And that struggle’s worth celebrating, which is why we’re printing this new design by Michael Tate as fast as our T-shirt war machine can. It’s Mario Bros. as combat, and wearing it will help you meet your own Light Brigade of fellow troopas. [GET IT HERE]

knowyourmeme:

Well that escalated quickly.

And how it escalated next will surprise you/shock you/bring you to tears.

What the actual fuck, Popeye?
5 Childhood-Ruining Appearances from Famous Characters

#6. Popeye Straight-Up Shoots a Dude in the Head
The short, which you probably won’t see aired on Cartoon Network anytime soon, begins with Popeye talking a young sailor out of committing suicide. Popeye, not wanting his fellow sailor to blow his brains all over the ship, invites him to his birthday party. Unfortunately, the troubled man is really annoying, so like anyone else would, Popeye plots to beat on him with a baseball bat, because apparently Popeye is Joe Pesci in Casino.

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What the actual fuck, Popeye?

5 Childhood-Ruining Appearances from Famous Characters

#6. Popeye Straight-Up Shoots a Dude in the Head

The short, which you probably won’t see aired on Cartoon Network anytime soon, begins with Popeye talking a young sailor out of committing suicide. Popeye, not wanting his fellow sailor to blow his brains all over the ship, invites him to his birthday party. Unfortunately, the troubled man is really annoying, so like anyone else would, Popeye plots to beat on him with a baseball bat, because apparently Popeye is Joe Pesci in Casino.

Read More

Artist @moonwormtex made the best #WelcomeBackPotter fan art we’ve ever seen, and is now our friend in the fight against Vaginaman.

Artist @moonwormtex made the best #WelcomeBackPotter fan art we’ve ever seen, and is now our friend in the fight against Vaginaman.

A Nepalese Gurkha named Dipprasad Pun found himself without a gun one gunfire-y night in Afghanistan. Good thing he still had his balls.
5 Soldiers Who Were More Badass Than Rambo (Without Guns)

#4. Gurkha Beats Taliban Insurgents Down With a Tripod
Pun was on guard duty, alone, when dozens of attackers swarmed out of the mountains with murder on their minds. He emptied every weapon in his arsenal: a machine gun, 17 grenades, and a land mine, somehow. But eventually that all ran dry, and there were still Taliban guys he hadn’t killed. A normal man might have given up. Pun grabbed a nearby gun tripod and proceeded to wail on multiple armed men until help finally arrived.

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A Nepalese Gurkha named Dipprasad Pun found himself without a gun one gunfire-y night in Afghanistan. Good thing he still had his balls.

5 Soldiers Who Were More Badass Than Rambo (Without Guns)

#4. Gurkha Beats Taliban Insurgents Down With a Tripod

Pun was on guard duty, alone, when dozens of attackers swarmed out of the mountains with murder on their minds. He emptied every weapon in his arsenal: a machine gun, 17 grenades, and a land mine, somehow. But eventually that all ran dry, and there were still Taliban guys he hadn’t killed. A normal man might have given up. Pun grabbed a nearby gun tripod and proceeded to wail on multiple armed men until help finally arrived.

Read More

Even Peter Jackson hated making The Hobbit, and JF Sargent has evidence.
5 Behind-the-Scenes Features That Show Why Movies Went Wrong

#5. The Hobbit Production Diaries Show That Peter Jackson Is Tired and Old
I checked out the special features, to see if they could explain why this movie is that thing it is and … well, here are some quotes, taken totally at random, from the production diaries and “The Appendices” found only on the extended Blu-ray:
"This is a nightmare." -Peter Jackson
"I asked Peter Jackson if he was going to do The Hobbit and he said, ‘No, I’m not interested in doing that.’” -Elijah Wood.
"[This movie] made me feel like I should stop acting." -Sir Ian McKellen
Sure, all those lines are said as jokes — but it’s the only type of joke anyone is making.

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Even Peter Jackson hated making The Hobbit, and JF Sargent has evidence.

5 Behind-the-Scenes Features That Show Why Movies Went Wrong

#5. The Hobbit Production Diaries Show That Peter Jackson Is Tired and Old

I checked out the special features, to see if they could explain why this movie is that thing it is and … well, here are some quotes, taken totally at random, from the production diaries and “The Appendices” found only on the extended Blu-ray:

"This is a nightmare." -Peter Jackson

"I asked Peter Jackson if he was going to do The Hobbit and he said, ‘No, I’m not interested in doing that.’” -Elijah Wood.

"[This movie] made me feel like I should stop acting." -Sir Ian McKellen

Sure, all those lines are said as jokes — but it’s the only type of joke anyone is making.

Read More