Back in the day, you could keep your “no uggos” policy a dirty little secret, and some people might genuinely be fooled into thinking that “only the most attractive people wear those clothes that look like the bottom drawer of an unemployed surfer’s wardrobe; I must join them.”
But those were the good old days of consumer ignorance. How did you think that the Internet wasn’t going to spread this story everywhere the very second they realized that your CEO looks like he’s allergic to his own face?
Seriously, he looks like the shit Ron Perlman took after he ate a plateful of Gary Busey…And this is the guy insisting that only beautiful people wear his clothes?
The first gun made entirely of 3D-printed parts recently debuted, and despite the best efforts of its creators, it looks pretty stupid. When your gun looks like something an 8-year-old built out of LEGO bricks, you’re not gonna intimidate anyone (except maybe some other poor bastard 8-year-old whose parents bought him Mega Bloks).
But obviously, aesthetics aren’t the point here, right? It doesn’t matter that the “Liberator” is stupid-looking, because it’s still a deadly weapon available to everyone with a 3D printer, huh? Sure, it looks like a lump of packing filler, but criminals everywhere will soon be brandishing these homemade firearms, running amok in the streets, correct? Well, not exactly.
One of my best friends is a hair stylist. He begged me to shave my head. “It looks fine,” I told him. “I don’t care about my hair.” And I really didn’t. I did not care at all how I looked. I was a short, chubby guy with no hair. If I cared how I looked, I would just be sad all the time. I had other things I could offer a woman — namely, being a nice guy. But my friend saw the big picture better than I did.
I met a girl. I liked her. She overlooked my chubbiness and baldness, and we got together a few times. One night she tried to run her fingers through my hair and was probably shocked to find that I had Rave Super Hold-ed it into plasticity. Soon after that, she stopped returning my calls.
This one’s a gimme. That girl is fine with a blade, and other than selling Ginsu knives on TV, Benihana chef is the obvious choice. True, I don’t see her making many funny Benihana-type jokes (rolling the egg on the table and saying “egg roll”), but that’s a small loss when your chef is a master bladesman and smoking hot. Actually, forget the bladesman stuff. Michonne is so hot that I’d gladly watch her work a butter knife on some toast.
#5. Jurassic Park: A Seat Belt Malfunction Reveals That the Dinosaurs Can Reproduce
[P]aleontologist Dr. Sam Neill discovers that the dinosaurs are breeding despite the fact that they were genetically engineered to all be female (specifically to prevent this). It is a development that, indeed, no one saw coming, for how in the name of science could a bunch of prehistoric lizards equipped with nothing but girl parts be expected to make babies?
However, if you were paying close attention, it’s a twist the movie gives away in the first 20 minutes.
#2. Camera Effects: The Rise and Fall of a Space Shuttle Booster
This is a NASA highlight reel of every stupid fake camera effect Hollywood uses, and every single one is real.
Watch the video. There is nothing better you could do with nine minutes. Not even sex, because either you won’t be finished in nine minutes, or your sex is insufficiently out-of-this-world to compete with this glory. The only reason it won’t win Oscars is because we have to let people who only pretend to be awesome have their little prizes.
Here’s why the recent arrest of an alleged American spy in Russia had less in common with Skyfall and more with a straight-to-DVD sequel to Austin Powers starring an unknown and irritable Cockney truck driver (which would obviously be titled Austin Powers in Oi! That’s Me Lorry!). … Just look at him. That isn’t the face of a man who has just been arrested for spying. That’s the grimace of a man who realized that he left his coupon for 90 rubles off at Yakov’s Little Dutch Boy Wigs and Pervert Glasses Warehouse in the pocket of his other pair of spy pants.