If you’re anything like Gladstone, every drink puts you in a different, specifically dated place.
5 Different Boozes With Their Own Unique Buzz

#4. Vodka
Vodka no longer makes me happy like it did when I was a kid. I don’t feel like going out and shooting heroin with Bridget Fonda after she’s done with the day’s filming on the set of Jackie Brown (Oh sorry, it was the ’90s when I really enjoyed vodka. Also, like all alcohol, vodka affects your cognitive process, so I might not have actually mainlined with Bridget Fonda).

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If you’re anything like Gladstone, every drink puts you in a different, specifically dated place.

5 Different Boozes With Their Own Unique Buzz

#4. Vodka

Vodka no longer makes me happy like it did when I was a kid. I don’t feel like going out and shooting heroin with Bridget Fonda after she’s done with the day’s filming on the set of Jackie Brown (Oh sorry, it was the ’90s when I really enjoyed vodka. Also, like all alcohol, vodka affects your cognitive process, so I might not have actually mainlined with Bridget Fonda).

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……maybe it’s just a playful baby?
The 25 Worst Possible Text Messages To Wake Up To

……maybe it’s just a playful baby?

The 25 Worst Possible Text Messages To Wake Up To

Outside of shitty Lifetime original movies, nobody really talks about the everyday reality of eating disorders. We sat down with two young women who have struggled with anorexia and bulimia and got a look at what has to be one of the most misunderstood mental illnesses out there.
5 Unexpected Things I Learned From Having an Eating Disorder

#5. It Involves More Than Just Starving or Puking
We all think we know the basics — anorexia means you starve yourself to death, bulimia means you eat and then puke it up. And already we’re wrong — many bulimics, for example, never throw up. There are as many ways to purge as there are exit routes in your body, and there are probably a lot of those that you never even thought about. And, uh, some that you did. Such as your butthole. According to one of the women we talked to, Sara, that can be just as effective of a route as the other end, with a little help from your friends (laxatives, that is, which are really no one’s friend).

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Outside of shitty Lifetime original movies, nobody really talks about the everyday reality of eating disorders. We sat down with two young women who have struggled with anorexia and bulimia and got a look at what has to be one of the most misunderstood mental illnesses out there.

5 Unexpected Things I Learned From Having an Eating Disorder

#5. It Involves More Than Just Starving or Puking

We all think we know the basics — anorexia means you starve yourself to death, bulimia means you eat and then puke it up. And already we’re wrong — many bulimics, for example, never throw up. There are as many ways to purge as there are exit routes in your body, and there are probably a lot of those that you never even thought about. And, uh, some that you did. Such as your butthole. According to one of the women we talked to, Sara, that can be just as effective of a route as the other end, with a little help from your friends (laxatives, that is, which are really no one’s friend).

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As they say, “Monkey see, monkey fucking terrify.”
7 Creepy Plants That Shouldn’t Exist (Part 2)

#5. Monkey Orchids
Monkey orchids are found in the rainforests of Ecuador and Peru. For whatever reason, they’re also known as Dracula orchids, because whoever’s in charge of naming South American plants has never met a goddamn Dracula, apparently. Seriously, you saw a whole fleet of Imperial Shuttles with monkey faces and you thought “vampire”? You’re fucking fired, Arturo.

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As they say, “Monkey see, monkey fucking terrify.”

7 Creepy Plants That Shouldn’t Exist (Part 2)

#5. Monkey Orchids

Monkey orchids are found in the rainforests of Ecuador and Peru. For whatever reason, they’re also known as Dracula orchids, because whoever’s in charge of naming South American plants has never met a goddamn Dracula, apparently. Seriously, you saw a whole fleet of Imperial Shuttles with monkey faces and you thought “vampire”? You’re fucking fired, Arturo.

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sorenbowie:

codyjohnston:

shinji-kun69:

Don’t ever fucking try to tell me that white people aren’t targeted and discriminated against for the color of their skin. Don’t ever try to fucking say that ANYONE has never been discriminated against. If you want fucking justice, then ACT on that justice.

HI UM NOPE
This headline is the deformed offspring of lies, bad reporting, and a Getty Image from 2012 taken after a man was beaten by police at the Occupy Wall Street protests.
The article cites no sources and reads like a Facebook Aunt telling a story they heard from their son’s buddy Taylor, most likely because it’s a poorly-paraphrased version of this also false article that calls itself ”White Man Cold-Cocked By Vicious Ferguson Mob In Blatant Racist Attack.” Money quote from the article:

“Most recently, a man was simply standing outside of a St. Louis McDonald’s where he was surrounded by a group of black man who punched the man in the face for no reason whatsoever. Seemingly unprovoked, the group intentionally targeted this man for nothing more than his skin color in a backwards attempt at justice for Mike Brown.”

Ah, yes, the classic “for no reason whatsoever” immediately followed by “for nothing more than his skin color in a backwards attempt at justice for Mike Brown” trick. That old reporting chestnut.
Anyway. The tale of an entire mob attacking this man was
followed up by showing these tweets, where the story originated:

This is all from the same article, mind you. There’s a paragraph describing a mob of black men attacking this white guy, and then they show the actual source describing a single black man punching the guy in the face once. Also? The Knockout Game doesn’t exist.
ALSO also?

So really, “Black Man Punches White Man In Face, Other Black Men Try To Apprehend Black Man Who Punched White Man In Face,” because Ferguson’s hero-to-asshole ratio is actually through the fucking roof.
And yet…

Anyway. It sucks that the guy got punched a couple weeks ago, but if you’re going to lie about it, try being just so much better at lying.

Cracked shouldn’t be the “journalists” catching this kind of thing. If you read something that sounds outrageous but tickles that part of your brain that wants it to be true, there’s a good chance it’s made up specifically to do that tickling. Take twenty minutes to research it before sharing or you sound like an idiot.

We can de-bullshit you on this kind of stuff but honestly it’s getting exhausting.

sorenbowie:

codyjohnston:

shinji-kun69:

Don’t ever fucking try to tell me that white people aren’t targeted and discriminated against for the color of their skin. Don’t ever try to fucking say that ANYONE has never been discriminated against. If you want fucking justice, then ACT on that justice.

HI UM NOPE

This headline is the deformed offspring of lies, bad reporting, and a Getty Image from 2012 taken after a man was beaten by police at the Occupy Wall Street protests.

The article cites no sources and reads like a Facebook Aunt telling a story they heard from their son’s buddy Taylor, most likely because it’s a poorly-paraphrased version of this also false article that calls itself ”White Man Cold-Cocked By Vicious Ferguson Mob In Blatant Racist Attack.” Money quote from the article:

Most recently, a man was simply standing outside of a St. Louis McDonald’s where he was surrounded by a group of black man who punched the man in the face for no reason whatsoever. Seemingly unprovoked, the group intentionally targeted this man for nothing more than his skin color in a backwards attempt at justice for Mike Brown.”

Ah, yes, the classic “for no reason whatsoever” immediately followed by “for nothing more than his skin color in a backwards attempt at justice for Mike Brown” trick. That old reporting chestnut.

Anyway. The tale of an entire mob attacking this man was

followed up by showing these tweets, where the story originated:

image

This is all from the same article, mind you. There’s a paragraph describing a mob of black men attacking this white guy, and then they show the actual source describing a single black man punching the guy in the face once. Also? The Knockout Game doesn’t exist.

ALSO also?

image

So really, “Black Man Punches White Man In Face, Other Black Men Try To Apprehend Black Man Who Punched White Man In Face,” because Ferguson’s hero-to-asshole ratio is actually through the fucking roof.

And yet…

image

Anyway. It sucks that the guy got punched a couple weeks ago, but if you’re going to lie about it, try being just so much better at lying.

Cracked shouldn’t be the “journalists” catching this kind of thing. If you read something that sounds outrageous but tickles that part of your brain that wants it to be true, there’s a good chance it’s made up specifically to do that tickling. Take twenty minutes to research it before sharing or you sound like an idiot.

We can de-bullshit you on this kind of stuff but honestly it’s getting exhausting.

Find out why with Cracked’s Ultimate Disney Playlist, containing the secrets of everything from the Pixar Robopocalypse to a scientifically accurate Lion King.

And subscribe to Cracked on YouTube why dontcha? Every time we want to blow your mind with a video, you’ll see it!

Whatever your dream job might be, it can’t be as fun as “Muppeteer”.
21 Photos That Shatter Your Image of Famous Things

Whatever your dream job might be, it can’t be as fun as “Muppeteer”.

21 Photos That Shatter Your Image of Famous Things

Because nothing says “hot” like “downloadable medicine”!
The 5 Most Misguided Uses of the Word ‘Quantum’ in Ads

#5. Quantum Sex Download
Looking at the QuantumMAN site, the aliens clearly crashed their technology into mid-’90s HTML, and neither survived the experience. Buying one-use Portal Access Keys (TM) connects your smartphone to their healing quantum teleportation portal and invalidates its adjective. I’ve played iPhone games with more believable premises. It’s the only Internet scam with a target market of zero, because they need someone stupid enough to fall for this bullshit but still capable of entering their money-card’s weird squiggles on the squeezy bits of their beepbox.
QuantumMAN(TM) claims the potential to revolutionize all human abilities, but is most excited to use it for sex.

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Because nothing says “hot” like “downloadable medicine”!

The 5 Most Misguided Uses of the Word ‘Quantum’ in Ads

#5. Quantum Sex Download

Looking at the QuantumMAN site, the aliens clearly crashed their technology into mid-’90s HTML, and neither survived the experience. Buying one-use Portal Access Keys (TM) connects your smartphone to their healing quantum teleportation portal and invalidates its adjective. I’ve played iPhone games with more believable premises. It’s the only Internet scam with a target market of zero, because they need someone stupid enough to fall for this bullshit but still capable of entering their money-card’s weird squiggles on the squeezy bits of their beepbox.

QuantumMAN(TM) claims the potential to revolutionize all human abilities, but is most excited to use it for sex.

Read More

Looks like he came real close to singing about braaaaaaains.
21 Photos That Shatter Your Image of Famous Things

Looks like he came real close to singing about braaaaaaains.

21 Photos That Shatter Your Image of Famous Things

ryanvoid:

neutralangel:

cracked:

You need to hear this. Just try not to get wibbly-wobbly angry-wangry.

It’s Time to Retire Doctor Who

Sorry, I’m kinda with Soren on this one.

yeah, I love Doctor Who, and I was nodding along with all of this vid. fucking Doctor Who.