CRACKED.com

Sep 02

[video]

thisdanobrien:

cracked:

NASHVILLE: We will be in you Sept. 24th at 7:30pm. Our resident rapper-laureate MS Werd (Michael Swaim) is bringing Soren Bowie, Cody Johnston, Jack O’Brien, Daniel O’Brien, David Wong and more of your site favorites to Zanies Nashville with a veritable assfull of stand-up comedy, music, factoids, un-aired sketches, panels, podcasts, and list-formatted musings. Come meet the gang, hear some things, see some things, think some things, and who knows…maybe even feel some things, too.* It’s the biggest CRACKED show ever, and it’s happening near you! OH, FRABJOUS DAY!
*Not a guarantee. Offer not valid for sociopaths.

That’s right! We’ve heard your requests to bring the Cracked Live Experience on the road and we decided “Okay will go to one other place.” Come see us in Nashville next month doing jokes, signing things, running around and eating very spicy chicken. I’ll be performing ten minutes of brand new stand-up and 24 hours of not new being uncomfortable in crowds.

thisdanobrien:

cracked:

NASHVILLE: We will be in you Sept. 24th at 7:30pmOur resident rapper-laureate MS Werd (Michael Swaim) is bringing Soren Bowie, Cody Johnston, Jack O’Brien, Daniel O’Brien, David Wong and more of your site favorites to Zanies Nashville with a veritable assfull of stand-up comedy, music, factoids, un-aired sketches, panels, podcasts, and list-formatted musings. Come meet the gang, hear some things, see some things, think some things, and who knows…maybe even feel some things, too.* It’s the biggest CRACKED show ever, and it’s happening near you! OH, FRABJOUS DAY!

*Not a guarantee. Offer not valid for sociopaths.

That’s right! We’ve heard your requests to bring the Cracked Live Experience on the road and we decided “Okay will go to one other place.” Come see us in Nashville next month doing jokes, signing things, running around and eating very spicy chicken. I’ll be performing ten minutes of brand new stand-up and 24 hours of not new being uncomfortable in crowds.

Sep 01

It’s okay, Warner Brothers. Joss Whedon superhero movies don’t make very much money anyway.
The 36 Greatest Shows and Movies Ever to Almost Happen

It’s okay, Warner Brothers. Joss Whedon superhero movies don’t make very much money anyway.

The 36 Greatest Shows and Movies Ever to Almost Happen

Soon as you call that out as the bullshit it is, you might actually get to be a happy couple.
5 Cynical Marriage Tips Every Couple Needs to Learn

#4. Know Your Partner CAN’T Complete You
It’s a sweet notion, but eff that You Complete Me speech right in the booty hole. If you get to a point in your life where you think you’re incomplete without (blank), something’s gone wrong and you’re setting yourself up for years of heartache. Hinging your lifetime of happiness on the actions, reactions, and erections of another human is as reckless as laying down your life savings on the bet that Tupac and Biggie are still alive and sharing a garage apartment in Iowa. It’s a nice thought, but not a good bet.

Read More

Soon as you call that out as the bullshit it is, you might actually get to be a happy couple.

5 Cynical Marriage Tips Every Couple Needs to Learn

#4. Know Your Partner CAN’T Complete You

It’s a sweet notion, but eff that You Complete Me speech right in the booty hole. If you get to a point in your life where you think you’re incomplete without (blank), something’s gone wrong and you’re setting yourself up for years of heartache. Hinging your lifetime of happiness on the actions, reactions, and erections of another human is as reckless as laying down your life savings on the bet that Tupac and Biggie are still alive and sharing a garage apartment in Iowa. It’s a nice thought, but not a good bet.

Read More

[video]

That’s why we have to think about our single Tarantino universe theory instead of getting to watch it.
The 36 Greatest Shows and Movies Ever to Almost Happen

That’s why we have to think about our single Tarantino universe theory instead of getting to watch it.

The 36 Greatest Shows and Movies Ever to Almost Happen

[video]

Obviously there’s something up with the only GoT character wearing any clothes.
6 Insane (but Convincing) Game of Thrones Fan Theories

#5. Daenerys Is a Time Traveler Who Goes Back to Warn Herself (in Disguise)
We don’t know much about Quaithe, other than the fact that she seems to be deeply invested in Daenerys for no apparent reason. Theories abound as to who she is, the most interesting being that she’s actually Daenerys. From the future.
Think about it: When Daenerys arrives in Qarth, Quaithe immediately knows about the dangers awaiting her there and warns her. When Daenerys asks her to elaborate, Quaithe cryptically responds, “To go north, you must go south. To reach the west, you must go east. To go forward you must go back, and to touch the light you must pass beneath the shadow.” If you insert “in time” after “back,” it pretty much spells it out.

Read More

Obviously there’s something up with the only GoT character wearing any clothes.

6 Insane (but Convincing) Game of Thrones Fan Theories

#5. Daenerys Is a Time Traveler Who Goes Back to Warn Herself (in Disguise)

We don’t know much about Quaithe, other than the fact that she seems to be deeply invested in Daenerys for no apparent reason. Theories abound as to who she is, the most interesting being that she’s actually Daenerys. From the future.

Think about it: When Daenerys arrives in Qarth, Quaithe immediately knows about the dangers awaiting her there and warns her. When Daenerys asks her to elaborate, Quaithe cryptically responds, “To go north, you must go south. To reach the west, you must go east. To go forward you must go back, and to touch the light you must pass beneath the shadow.” If you insert “in time” after “back,” it pretty much spells it out.

Read More

If you wanna get into being a magic doctor, that’s your co-star.
6 Tricks I Learned as a Faith Healer (for Scamming You)

#4. Faith Healing Involves More Chicken Guts Than You’d Think
We did something called psychic surgery. We’d have someone lay on a table, and beneath the table would be a bowl of chicken gizzards and livers mixed with blood. We’d lift the person’s shirt up and act as if we were going to take out a tumor or an infected gall bladder or like, a possessed kidney or something. We’d pretend to cut the stomach open, putting a hand in front of our fingers to hide it, then pull out the gizzards and the liver, calling them “cancer” or “Yendik, the Kidney Demon.” Applause and donations would follow. I wouldn’t perform this sort of act until after the first year of faith healing. By then, I knew we were phonies, so it wasn’t a big surprise when I learned that the surgery act was basically performance art. My pastor told me that an act like this bolstered the congregant’s faith and “portrayed a deeper reality,” which is a line I plan to use if the IRS ever audits my income tax returns.

Read More

If you wanna get into being a magic doctor, that’s your co-star.

6 Tricks I Learned as a Faith Healer (for Scamming You)

#4. Faith Healing Involves More Chicken Guts Than You’d Think

We did something called psychic surgery. We’d have someone lay on a table, and beneath the table would be a bowl of chicken gizzards and livers mixed with blood. We’d lift the person’s shirt up and act as if we were going to take out a tumor or an infected gall bladder or like, a possessed kidney or something. We’d pretend to cut the stomach open, putting a hand in front of our fingers to hide it, then pull out the gizzards and the liver, calling them “cancer” or “Yendik, the Kidney Demon.” Applause and donations would follow. I wouldn’t perform this sort of act until after the first year of faith healing. By then, I knew we were phonies, so it wasn’t a big surprise when I learned that the surgery act was basically performance art. My pastor told me that an act like this bolstered the congregant’s faith and “portrayed a deeper reality,” which is a line I plan to use if the IRS ever audits my income tax returns.

Read More

spectralharmonics:

cracked:

At certain magical moments, Crazy Uncle Joe turns into the Onion version of himself.
The 21 Stupidest Things Ever Said by Powerful People

Fucking GREAT caption!

Thank you, worked very hard on it.

spectralharmonics:

cracked:

At certain magical moments, Crazy Uncle Joe turns into the Onion version of himself.

The 21 Stupidest Things Ever Said by Powerful People

Fucking GREAT caption!

Thank you, worked very hard on it.