NASHVILLE: We will be in you Sept. 24th at 7:30pm. Our resident rapper-laureate MS Werd (Michael Swaim) is bringing Soren Bowie, Cody Johnston, Jack O’Brien, Daniel O’Brien, David Wong and more of your site favorites to Zanies Nashville with a veritable assfull of stand-up comedy, music, factoids, un-aired sketches, panels, podcasts, and list-formatted musings. Come meet the gang, hear some things, see some things, think some things, and who knows…maybe even feel some things, too.* It’s the biggest CRACKED show ever, and it’s happening near you! OH, FRABJOUS DAY!
*Not a guarantee. Offer not valid for sociopaths.
I move out of TN and ya’ll immediately go there. I see how it is Cracked.
You knew what this was
Behold: the dawn of Hypercolor.
5 Awesome Technologies Created by Ancient Civilizations
#5. The Magical Roman Technicolor Cup
The Lycurgus Cup looks green when lit from the front. But when lit from behind, it turns a demonic red. In 1990, British researchers tried to unlock the mystery of the devil’s beer stein. What they found was that the glass was full of gold and silver flecks 1,000 times thinner than a human hair. Basically, the Romans discovered nanotechnology — the science of manipulating incredibly small particles — and used it to make a bitchin’ pimp cup.
The problem with Wookie Cookies.
Is this the best gif on the entire Internet or what
“I’ll bet that means my child would like that Green Lantern movie!” — your decent, hardworking mother
5 Current TV Shows That Get More Praise Than They Deserve
#5. The Big Bang Theory
This is a show for old people who are curious about what life is like for their kids who never call them. While you’re out there meeting dates on the Tinders and sending out Facetweets, your poor parents are at home, desperately hoping someone will tell them what those words mean, thus giving them some sort of means to reconnect with the child who abandoned them immediately upon turning 18. You kids like your computers and so do those kids on this show — you guys must be the same! Next thing you know, mom is shouting “Bazinga!” at the dinner table at Thanksgiving, confident that such an outburst isn’t even going to make you vomit a little.
Let’s look at the facts:
1) In “The best superpower” Soren stops time (or freeze people).
2) In “Four best movie universe to die in” Soren says he has “willed” his parents’ dog to go to a specific Heaven.
3) In “7 horrifying lessons hidden in movies about childhood” Soren says normal human aging is confusing to him.
4) In “11 movie alternate universes with horrifying downsides” Soren is seen teleporting/jumping between dimensions.
5) In “Why everyone wants to have sex with vampires” he talks about puberty as something other people went through, not him.
6) In “Why Disney’s Aladdin is secretly horrifying” he is very invested in the Genie’s entrapment in the lamp. By the end of the episode he admits to projecting his own problems/situation unto the Genie.
7) In “Why Peter Pan is propaganda for perverts” he says that he has a phobia of aging, but also seem to think it’s something that’s natural, just not to HIM and he would prefer to avoid it.
8) He is overall convinced he is better than the people surrounding him, and apparently people feel drawn to him according to Daniel.
Most of these could just be because Soren thinks of himself as better/more important than others, but combined with his supernatural powers I propose Soren isn’t a human at all, but actually a powerful creature trapped in a mortal body he doesn’t know how to escape from. His powers might cause him to age slower than humans, but it’s happening, and he might die with the body which isn’t natural at all to him, hence his intense fear of aging.
And sure, he has talked about his parents and early years, but we don’t know how long he has been trapped, under which circumstances, or if he’s just trying to seem more human to avoid trouble.
This would explain Soren’s preternatural hand-eye coordination:
Oh no! Steven Spielberg’s toy broke.
17 Unintentionally Hilarious Scenes in Serious Movies
Seriously, how great is Braveheart? From its bitchin’ story structure to its ability to get you AND your dad in front of basic cable on a Saturday, it’s one of those perfect long movies you don’t mind sitting all the way through. This design by Redbubble regular Buko gives William Wallace the epic rendering he deserves, in a mashup that turns one badass speech into an entire philosophy. And yes, the original Che shirt’s become the dorm room Bob Marley poster of political tees. So recapture that magic in a reimagined, French princess-approved format, because they can take our land but they can never take our originality. [GET IT HERE]
Hi Scotland, can we offer you a t-shirt?
“How wasted were we?” — Europe, after
6 Historic Events You Didn’t Realize Everyone Was Drunk For
#5. The Congress of Vienna Was a Drunken, Horny Mess
The Vienna Congress gathered Europe’s richest, most powerful boozehounds and sex fiends together in one place, and then it granted them all diplomatic immunity. … Over the following weeks of drunken debauchery, Prussian and Russian delegates including Tsar Alexander had several regular drunken run-ins with the police. One British delegate, Robert Stewart, became notorious for antics like riding under the influence through Vienna on his flower-adorned horse and fighting carriage drivers, one of whom cracked Stewart in the face with a whip during an altercation. Stewart also turned every inn he stayed at into what locals aptly described as a “fucking-shop.”
Join Luis Prada on his long-overdue encounter with Kangaroo Black Voice and White Rihanna.
5 Failed Attempts At Keeping Up With Modern Pop Music
#4. Iggy Azalea Feat. Rita Ora — “Black Widow”
If rappers had to perform the skits they put on their albums in front of a crowd, the only laughs they’d get would come from the sound beer bottles make when they shatter against teeth. So a rapper opening their music video with a comedy sketch is like a chef serving a jar of fart as an appetizer. … From there, the video turns into a take on Kill Bill. Azalea waves a sword in a dojo for eight seconds and becomes a warrior. Then a ninja comes in and throws a dart at her face, which turns out to be an order to kill Michael Madsen.