CRACKED.com

Aug 21

In which we praise something involving Brett Ratner…
5 Amazing Scenes from Otherwise Horrible Movies

#5. X-Men: The Last Stand: Angel’s Messed-Up Childhood
An opening scene establishes that the inventor of the Mutant Cure was inspired by the discovery that his son Warren (the future X-Man Angel) had a mutation that caused him to grow wings. Now, this could have been a very simple and forgettable sequence, but X3 actually handles it very dramatically by having the man walk in on his son trying to hack the mutation off of his back. … Why does [Angel] go to such horrifying extremes? Because he is terrified of his mutant-prejudiced father, who takes one look at his child’s maimed body and blood all over the floor, and only says: “Oh, God. Not you.” The whole scene is barely a minute long, but in that short time it shows you exactly what X-Men: The Last Stand could have been: a drama about struggling with one’s identity. 

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In which we praise something involving Brett Ratner…

5 Amazing Scenes from Otherwise Horrible Movies

#5. X-Men: The Last Stand: Angel’s Messed-Up Childhood

An opening scene establishes that the inventor of the Mutant Cure was inspired by the discovery that his son Warren (the future X-Man Angel) had a mutation that caused him to grow wings. Now, this could have been a very simple and forgettable sequence, but X3 actually handles it very dramatically by having the man walk in on his son trying to hack the mutation off of his back. … Why does [Angel] go to such horrifying extremes? Because he is terrified of his mutant-prejudiced father, who takes one look at his child’s maimed body and blood all over the floor, and only says: “Oh, God. Not you.” The whole scene is barely a minute long, but in that short time it shows you exactly what X-Men: The Last Stand could have been: a drama about struggling with one’s identity. 

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4 Facts About Ferguson the Media Keeps Screwing Up

4 Facts About Ferguson the Media Keeps Screwing Up

mr-cappadocia said: So why does Cracked CONSTANTLY push Feminist propaganda so hard? And let's not bullshit ourselves. You do. Just yesterday you published five articles. Two specifically referenced either Feminism or Feminist backed statistics. Conversely whenever you cover anything related to the opposition you not only mislead about their views... you straight up fucking lie about them and people let you get away with it because you're a "humor magazine". So I'm wondering why you propagandize *so hard*. Why?

codyjohnston:

thisdanobrien:

hereinidaho:

Because we’re true believers! 

Let me take this moment to say how Cracked could have gone another direction 7 or 8 years ago, a more Maximy, Booby Gallery of the Day direction if not for the steadfast resistance of David Wong and Jack O’Brien. I barely acknowledge the side that opposes feminism, but Wong goes out of his way to understand people who are mad at feminists, and he writes about those views with more sensitivity and understanding that I could ever muster. 

To sum up: We don’t have an explicit agenda but if one comes across, It’s not one I’m ashamed of. 

Kristi is a liar. I remember the meeting where the Cracked brain trust sat down and was like “From now on let’s occasionally post articles that either directly or conspiratorially tangentially support equal rights for women so we can accomplish our ultimate end goal: Hack into the penis of every man and make it a smaller penis, or a penis that is otherwise laughable for a different reason upon which we all agree. It almost sounds TOO easy,” Jack said, as he (via the mainframe) hacked a young Robert Brockway’s penis. “I think my wife deserves my respect,” the now-neutered Brockway yelped.

#LaughablePenisRights

#NotAllLaughablePenises

And then we built a Tumblr (operational) and a dick-shrinkin’ beam (in prototype) to further that twisted agenda, without ever stopping to write thoughtful, empathetic articles (that still bring the jokes) like this.

Aug 20

Listen Big Government: keep your wooden teeth outta our 18th century browser histories.
The 21 Stupidest Things Ever Said by Powerful People

Listen Big Government: keep your wooden teeth outta our 18th century browser histories.

The 21 Stupidest Things Ever Said by Powerful People

Look — we don’t want to give the wrong impression here. Michael Brown could have burned down that store and still wouldn’t deserve to be shot if he wasn’t threatening the life of the cop. BUT…
4 Facts About Ferguson the Media Keeps Screwing Up

#4. There Is Zero Doubt That Michael Brown Stole Cigars (Not That It Matters)
As the story later clarifies, the officer (who was aware of the previous robbery) saw Brown walking with the same cigars that had been stolen and suspected that he was the shoplifter. And why is this so important? It isn’t, which is why it’s so important. Focusing on whether or not Michael Brown stole cigars as a big factor in the story implies that the police response was somehow way more forgivable if the kid who was shot six fucking times in the street lifted $50 in smokables.

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Look — we don’t want to give the wrong impression here. Michael Brown could have burned down that store and still wouldn’t deserve to be shot if he wasn’t threatening the life of the cop. BUT…

4 Facts About Ferguson the Media Keeps Screwing Up

#4. There Is Zero Doubt That Michael Brown Stole Cigars (Not That It Matters)

As the story later clarifies, the officer (who was aware of the previous robbery) saw Brown walking with the same cigars that had been stolen and suspected that he was the shoplifter. And why is this so important? It isn’t, which is why it’s so important. Focusing on whether or not Michael Brown stole cigars as a big factor in the story implies that the police response was somehow way more forgivable if the kid who was shot six fucking times in the street lifted $50 in smokables.

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“That poop could be fertilizing a wetland!”
4 Hilarious Leaked Emails Corporations Don’t Want You to See

#3. The EPA Wants Someone to Stop Pooping in the Hallways
Apparently, Deputy Regional Administrator Howard Cantor specified in the internal email that there had been several inappropriate bathroom “incidents” in the EPA’s building: toilets stuffed with paper towels and “an individual placing feces in the hallway” outside the bathroom. The EPA also consulted a national expert in workplace violence for an opinion on the matter; he confirmed their suspicions that hallway shit is a health and safety issue, because that was something the EPA wasn’t 100 percent sure of in the first place.

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“That poop could be fertilizing a wetland!”

4 Hilarious Leaked Emails Corporations Don’t Want You to See

#3. The EPA Wants Someone to Stop Pooping in the Hallways

Apparently, Deputy Regional Administrator Howard Cantor specified in the internal email that there had been several inappropriate bathroom “incidents” in the EPA’s building: toilets stuffed with paper towels and “an individual placing feces in the hallway” outside the bathroom. The EPA also consulted a national expert in workplace violence for an opinion on the matter; he confirmed their suspicions that hallway shit is a health and safety issue, because that was something the EPA wasn’t 100 percent sure of in the first place.

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At certain magical moments, Crazy Uncle Joe turns into the Onion version of himself.
The 21 Stupidest Things Ever Said by Powerful People

At certain magical moments, Crazy Uncle Joe turns into the Onion version of himself.

The 21 Stupidest Things Ever Said by Powerful People

[video]

Spike Spiegel and Malcolm Reynolds have a lot in common. So do Han Solo and Korben Dallas and James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk. Which makes it a shame that we never get to see them go full Tombstone money shot on all the scoundrels, babes, and galaxies they can. Good thing we have a concept from Cracked regular Danzy and designed by one of our favorite designers, Luke Schroder who you may remember from this Mario/Friday the 13th mashup. Wear it and let everyone know no matter how many parsecs need crossing, you’re going to tackle them a lot less like the old, sensible Picard and a lot more like the freewheeling young one. [GET IT HERE]

Spike Spiegel and Malcolm Reynolds have a lot in common. So do Han Solo and Korben Dallas and James Tiberius Motherfucking Kirk. Which makes it a shame that we never get to see them go full Tombstone money shot on all the scoundrels, babes, and galaxies they can. Good thing we have a concept from Cracked regular Danzy and designed by one of our favorite designers, Luke Schroder who you may remember from this Mario/Friday the 13th mashup. Wear it and let everyone know no matter how many parsecs need crossing, you’re going to tackle them a lot less like the old, sensible Picard and a lot more like the freewheeling young one. [GET IT HERE]

Until they make a decent Game of Thrones RPG, pinata free love is the closest you’ll get.
5 Horrifying Details You Never Noticed in Famous Video Games

#4. Viva Pinata — A Cute Land of Incest and Murder
Viva Pinata is a relaxing game that revolves around managing a garden to attract adorable sentient pinatas, which we’re just going to go ahead and roll with, because there is literally no explanation for that scenario that would make any kind of sense. … Your pinatas can even fall in love and reproduce, although to keep the game kid-friendly, they engage in a little mating dance instead of graphically penetrating each other with papier-mache genitals. That’s all well and good until you realize that there are no familial distinctions among the pinatas — they can engage in a little bone-dance with any other pinata in your garden. Siblings with siblings, children with grandparents … your peaceful little garden is now host to a gargantuan and eternal incestuous orgy.

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Until they make a decent Game of Thrones RPG, pinata free love is the closest you’ll get.

5 Horrifying Details You Never Noticed in Famous Video Games

#4. Viva Pinata — A Cute Land of Incest and Murder

Viva Pinata is a relaxing game that revolves around managing a garden to attract adorable sentient pinatas, which we’re just going to go ahead and roll with, because there is literally no explanation for that scenario that would make any kind of sense. … Your pinatas can even fall in love and reproduce, although to keep the game kid-friendly, they engage in a little mating dance instead of graphically penetrating each other with papier-mache genitals. That’s all well and good until you realize that there are no familial distinctions among the pinatas — they can engage in a little bone-dance with any other pinata in your garden. Siblings with siblings, children with grandparents … your peaceful little garden is now host to a gargantuan and eternal incestuous orgy.

Read More