Eh, we’re not seeing it.
With all those songs, not one person had to take a break to spit up flecks of plague?
We’ve become a bunch of sad sacks, waiting for a loaded, vigilante superdaddy to make it all better. David Wong explains.
#4. Only Raw Talent and Wealth Make Someone Fit to Be in Charge
Tell me if you can spot what is similar about each of these hero-vs.-villain match-ups:
Superman vs. Lex Luthor
Batman vs. The Joker
Batman vs. Bane
Tony Stark vs. Obadiah Stane
Tony Stark vs. Whiplash
In each of those instances, the match-up is between a person who inherited his wealth and/or abilities and a self-made man who came up from nothing. And each time, we’re rooting for the former.
“What?” you say, “You want us to root for the Joker, you sick bastard?”
No. I’m saying the movie made it so that that was your only other choice.
Giant wings aren’t impractical if you’re fighting an enemy that’s really creeped out by birds.
#5. The Angel-Winged Hussars
Look at that magnificent bastard: You’d call bullshit on that armor set in Skyrim. No way that’s practical for battle. That does nothing but look awesome on the cover of a Dungeons and Dragons compendium. But that’s not just a painting: That is the very real armor of the Polish winged hussars, who held the title for the most brutal cavalry force in the world for most of the 16th and 17th century. They wreaked absolute havoc on battlefields throughout Europe, all while sporting huge angel wings on their backs.
Yahoo’s purchase of Tumblr means old people will soon swarm this place. But it’ll help you prepare for a world dominated by the elderly. #CrackedClassic
A new My Little Pony movie is coming out in theaters! This will not end well.
Hasbro recently announced a My Little Pony spinoff movie, titled My Little Pony: Equestria Girls, which will hit theaters next month. In Equestria Girls, all of the ponies are transported to another universe where they transform into teenage girls to face the trials of high school life, because without question that’s what every fan of a magical universe of talking ponies wanted this movie to be.
Picture the three key groups of MLP fans: little girls, “bronies” (i.e., adult male aficionados of the show), and furries. Now, picture all of those people intermixing in the same dark movie theater. It’s tantamount to tossing kids into a haunted house full of loud, self-important 20-somethings and terrifying sexual fetishists.
Publication was immediately followed by ouster of the school paper editor for running the name and photo of the victim…
It’s raining virus-liquefied-caterpillars! Halleluiah!
#3. Baculovirus Hijacks Caterpillars, Turns Them into Parasitic Rainfall
The baculovirus sounds like a chrono-STD you get from boning the guy from Quantum Leap. But in reality, it’s closer to the plot of the Alien movies: The baculovirus infects gypsy moth caterpillars (who are kind of pests anyway, so do try to keep that in mind when we tell you what happens to the poor lil’ guys), then makes them climb to the top of the canopy and hang upside down. Which … hey, is pretty much all right with the caterpillars? If an alien virus hacked your brain and forced you to sit on your couch and watch every episode of Three’s Company back to back, you probably wouldn’t mind it so much. You were going to do that anyway. The caterpillar is doing pretty good so far. Ah, but the baculovirus isn’t done yet: After it maneuvers its host into a good position high up, suspended upside down … they make it rain.
Revenge is a dish best served with doves. Doves tethered to fiery hot coals, sent to burn your whole damn city to the ground.
#5. Princess Olga of Kiev
As a ruler, the Drevlians considered Olga a pushover — an unwed woman, ha! — and because marriage would unite the two areas under their rule, the Drevlians sent suitors to make something useful out of the princess: a wife. Still wrapped up in a soft, Downy blanket of rage, Olga managed to put on her party smile and welcomed the visitors. She told her noble suitors that her people would carry them in their boats to the castle, so they wouldn’t have to walk. And they did. But when they got to the castle’s courtyard, the carriers dumped the suitors, boat and all, into a giant trench. Olga, smiling, had them all buried alive.
Sending word that she had accepted the proposal, even more Drevlians came down to help prepare the wedding. They were sent to a bathhouse when they arrived, where the doors were immediately barred behind them, and the whole building was set on fire.
And yet, Olga still wasn’t done.